BB Grey–musings

it is everything
i can do
just to feel

the low hum
buzzes behind my eyes
and the tears
do not ask permission
they fall

i wipe
salt from my face
with the same hands
i once used
to fold in prayer

i promised God
i would hold on

but i forget
how many times
i’ve promised
and unpromised

he got me through
once
that one time
that almost ended me

and now
i wonder
was it him
or just a pause
before the next storm

people say
they see sadness
in me

but the world
still spins
for some

and for the rest of us
gravity
keeps us down
in every sense

i pep talk myself
say
this is the moment
i’ll take that dance class
lose ten pounds
write the book
fix the broken

but i finish things
only halfway
and run out of excuses
to blame

i say
i’m okay
but i’m not
and the only voice
that says
don’t give up
is the one inside
already tired

i tell no one
write instead
but even here
i hold back
just enough
to keep from being seen

i go it alone
and think of dying

wonder
if anyone would know
if i was gone

a blip
in a timeline
too full
to notice another hollow

i think of my father
grasping
for something meaningful
in his final hours

and maybe that’s better
the knowing
the scramble
the goodbye

or maybe
there is comfort
in slipping away
before the clock
finishes its sentence

like the man
at the bar
who told me
his heaven
was six feet deep
and he was already halfway there

i asked him
where do you think
you’ll go when you die

he smiled
and said
“nowhere special”

and i
who believed
in something more
something bright

felt something collapse
inside

and cried
anyway

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